Setting Your Intentions for The Perfect Mate

In my career, I help my clients set intentions for their lives. I won’t give away exactly what I do, but suffice it to say that it’s alternative medicine.

Part of helping people get healthy is helping them create intentions for the life they’d like to lead and finding the perfect mate is no different.

One good thing about dating in your 40s is that you are certainly clearer on what you desire in a life partner. (At least I hope so!)

If you’re not clear in your mind on who you’d like to meet, you’re going to have a difficult time knowing if that person is the right one when you do meet him or her. 

Most of the time, we have a tendency to gravitate toward the same type of person for one reason or another. If that type has not worked out for you in the past, then it’s time to start writing down what it is you truly desire. 

Start by getting quiet and having a picture in your mind on what this person might be like. Do you have a certain height, weight, hair or eye color in mind? Is this person outgoing or shy? An introvert or extravert? A social butterfly or a stay-at-home by the fire with a book type? At this point in life it’s important to know what age person you’re willing to date. 

A younger man or woman may seem attractive now but if you choose too young, what will you have in common? Will that person want to start a family if you already have kids and don’t want more? And inversely, if you date older, you need to think about life expectancy, health issues and more. 

I know women who don’t really care what age man she dates and I was a bit berated for my philosophy when I said a man was too old. Here’s my rule of thumb: I will date someone who’s up to four years younger and four years older. Why? Think about high school, could you have been in the same high school (years-wise) together? If the answer is yes, then chances are you have more in common having grown up in the same generation. 

Another important factor you need to iron out is whether or not you will date someone with kids. If so, what ages? Again, be honest with yourself. I wasn’t honest with myself the first time I entered a serious relationship after my divorce and now I’m more realistic. I had kids young so I’m at the point in my life that I don’t want to raise someone else’s kids. If I date a man with kids, the kids will be either late teenage years to adults. 

Once you’ve gotten the stats down, now’s the time to have fun. 

What is it that you truly want in a relationship? Take every single aspect and write it down? What does your relationship with your perfect mate look like? How do you relate to one another? What are you willing to have in a relationship and not willing to have? 

Put your intentions on a list in the present tense as if what you intend is already here. For example: He is trustworthy and kind to me and everyone else in his life. 

Once you’ve completed your intentions list, print it out or make copies and carry a copy with you, have one on your bedside table, and read it often. Don’t be afraid to add or make changes if you discover there’s an aspect you really don’t want or you remember to add something you forgot. 

Then let go and let the universe handle all the details. 

Online Dating After 40: White, Bald and Fat

O.K. I’m going out on a limb here and maybe I'm being too judgmental. But in 2013,  I was on two dating websites and this is what I saw. 

This is a plea for all you men on dating websites. You are potentially looking for the love of your life. Most guys I know are visual. They will check out a woman, whom they are first physically attracted to, and decide whether or not to date her. Know this gentlemen,  women are the same way. 

We will check out guys, who are physically attractive first, especially in online dating. Sure, if you’re at a party, bar or social scene, you can use your charm or sense of humor to spark a lady’s interest. But not here. You have about a second or two to capture her interest and let me tell you guys, if you don’t, she’s moving on to the next profile.

Read on to find out what you might be doing wrong on your online dating profile and how to fix it. 

Look at your dating profile as seriously as you would your job search profile. Why would you spend less time or effort finding the love of your life? 

Unless you're simply looking for a hookup ( in which case why pay money for an online dating site?), you are searching for the woman you’d like to be with for a long time. You need to consider this when putting up your profile. If you're serious about finding someone and a good candidate for a mate, please try the following bits of advice as to the dos and don’ts of an online dating profile.

1. Don’t post pictures from your iPhone

Again, you have less than two seconds to impress the lady with your picture. Just like you wouldn’t slap on a pair of jeans and a dirty T-shirt for a job interview (or maybe you would?), take the time to groom yourself and get a friend or photographer to take your picture. Even if you’re not the most attractive guy, put yourself in a good light with a great smile. 

You can’t imagine how many selfie pictures I see from iPhones that are fuzzy, distorted and just plain ugly. 

Post several pictures of yourself in different situations, with friends, at a favorite event, or having a good time on vacation. But don’t include yourself with an arm around a woman. That is a flat-out turnoff. 

2. Do post pictures!

I refuse to look at a man’s profile if he doesn’t have a picture. For me that says, “I am white, bald and fat.”

And please, for the love of women, make it a current picture. I know you probably had hair and six-pack abs when you were 20 but I want to know what you look like now. 

3. Don’t post pictures of yourself with your shirt off!

OMG, I’ve seen photos of shirtless guys, and let me tell you fellas, unless you are Mario Lopez or Brad Pitt, all this says is, “I love myself too much.” And what woman wants a guy like that? And showing off your chest hair is not exactly attractive, unless she’s looking for an ape. 

4. Do take the time to write a nice profile.

Saying “I’m a loyal, nice, trustworthy guy.” tells me nothing about your personality. And frankly I don’t really care. What I want to see is what makes you tick. What is your perspective on life? What are your interests? How do you spend your spare time? What are you searching for?

This is your resume. If you were hiring an employee, would you look at a resume with 2-3 lines on a piece of paper? Or would you only look if there was a neat, clean, full-page of skills, experience and education? 

5. Don’t lie!

I dated a man who lied on his profile about several things, one of which was his level of education. Unfortunately for me, the truth only came out after we had been dating for about 9 months because he had asked me to help him with his resume. My first red flag though, had come up when he lied about his age on his profile. I should have known from then. 

Guys, lying is no way to start a relationship. The ugly truth is much better than any lie. 

6. Do fill your profile with sincerity

Women are emotional creatures and we are suckers for sincerity. Don’t say you’re athletic if you’re not. Say you have a few pounds to lose. If you dream about eating at McDonald’s twice a week and your prospective date is vegetarian. don’t pretend you hate meat just to impress her. Tell her about your weakness and let her decide if she can live with that. Be who you truly are and the right woman will fall for you because you are sincere. 

7. Do use a sense of humor 

Let your personality shine through in your profile through words. If you’ve captured her attention with your professional photo, half the battle is won. Most people are looking for certain personality traits to make that initial contact so ask a friend what your best traits are and write them down. If there’s something unusual or quirky about you, include that too. One time,  I was listening to a guy, in a group of friends, who was talking passionately about his turtles for about 20 minutes. If he was on an online dating site, he would have to include something about liking and keeping turtles. That’s quirky. I personally would hate that but a turtle-loving lady might just find that charming even if he was white, bald and well, fat. 

Playing the Game: Dating After 40

I don't play games.

That is, in dating, it's not my intention. Or is it?

I'm the type of woman who wears her heart on her sleeve. I'm compassionate and kind to most everyone I meet. I've learned that this approach is not good in dating.

I've heard from friends, male and female, that they're searching for a mate who doesn't play games. They're looking for someone who's sincere, honest, trustworthy and direct. At least that's what they say.

In my short time dating and being not only observant but introspective, what goes on across the board is something quite different.

Everyone plays games in dating.

What I've noticed is that dating is a delicate dance and if you have two left feet, you trip over yourself quite often and can't figure out the steps.

It seems that you can't say too much to a new prospective date or too little.

Already, dating in college was a bit of a game but mostly an open field. It was O.K. to show interest in a guy and if he was interested in you, you would both hook up.

But it seems that dating after 40 is a whole other game altogether.

Men seem to be reticent to take the plunge again. Most have been hurt by ex-spouses. And let me tell you ladies, a man who's been hurt by a woman he has not only loved, but dedicated his life to, takes much longer to recover than a woman. That's just the way it goes.

So what is this game anyway?

The game is to show interest but not too much.

At a recent happy hour Meetup, there was a guy who was hitting on me, subtly and not so subtly. He was, however, perfectly harmless and as the night went on, it turns out we actually had a ton in common. But I still paid little attention to him, directing my attention toward others at the table. The next week, he contacted me through the Meetup website to see if I was going to the Friday night event. I answered that I was going Salsa dancing and probably not. But I missed the Salsa lesson and ended up at the event he was attending. He took me around and introduced me to everyone in the Meetup making sure I had people to talk to. At the end of the night, he asked me to dinner before the Saturday Meetup. I agreed, assuring myself that this wouldn't be a date, just two friends having dinner before a group event.

The next day, he texted me to change the restaurant to an up scale place and told me he could pick me up.

I politely declined the ride explaining that I had some things to do before but that I would meet him there. All along I kept repeating to myself, "This is not a date. This is not a date." That became my mantra throughout the night.

At dinner, he was completely polite, charming, intelligent and interesting. In what was supposed to be a quick meal before the Meetup, turned into an almost four hour dinner. I found myself completely absorbed in conversation with him and not wanting the evening to end. When I reached for my purse to split dinner, he insisted on paying.

We dropped off my car at home (yes, I felt comfortable with him knowing where I lived by then) and I drove with him in his fancy convertible to the Meetup. In the car ride there, I felt a transformation from, "This is not a date." to "Oh my God, this is totally a date." And my feeling changed. I thought, "I can totally see myself dating this guy."

A group of us from the Meetup group went dancing and he was totally attentive to me but not overly so. At the end of the night as he was dropping me off, he got out of the car and came to my side. We timidly gave each other a hug and he drove off.

The next day I thanked him for a wonderful dinner and conversation via text. He responded that he too had a great time and that we should do it again soon.

Since then we've seen each other a few times, mostly at Meetup group events, but the fact that I've shown interest in him seemed to have waned his interest in me.

Hence the game.

Tell me guys, is it better for a lady to not show her interest? To keep you guessing? To stay aloof?

So this is where I'm at in the game.

He said he needs to take things slowly, start as friends and see where it goes. I responded that I too needed to take it slowly. I've taken a nonchalant attitude even though I really like him. If he wants to chase, so be it. But I don't particularly like it.

You see the dance of dating is a game but no one really seems to have the rule guide. Everyone I ask has a different set of rules. Does anyone have the rule book for dating after 40? If so, please let me know.

Introduction to Dating: A New Scene after 20 + Years

I must confess, I'm a serial monogamer.

This is not my quote, but a friend's who found herself, like me, single after several years in a long-term relationship. When I heard her say that, I thought, "Wow, me too. I am a serial monogamer."

I live and have lived for long-term relationships. I love the feeling, the idea and the comfort of being with someone. I love the idea of being a "we" instead of "me". With my significant other, we used to scoff at the singles in the area nearby, trying to hook up at a bar on a Saturday night.

Now, one of those singles is me.

I'm newly single. Yes, newly single after what seems like an eternity.

You see, I was married very young and when I got divorced, I found my boyfriend shortly thereafter and was in a long-term relationship for 4 years. When that relationship abruptly ended at the beginning of this year, I found myself lost, not knowing how to begin dating again.

I began by taking on the 21st century of dating by joining some online dating sites. But I quickly realized that at age 42, the selection is not only sparse but also, um, how should I say this? Unattractive?

I then joined some groups through Meetup and have been attending. And by this humbling experience, I've noticed many people in their 40s still act like they're 18, when it comes to dating. And I still didn't know how to date, even then.

My decision to start this blog came out of desperation for feedback from others in my boat. As I'm driving this ship called "dating" and know nothing on how to navigate it. You will hear about my experiences, my thoughts, my rantings and oh, yeah, my obsessions in the process. I promise not to mention any real names of actual people I meet. They will all be changed to protect the innocent and well, not so innocent.

If you are experiencing any of the same, please comment, give advice or post. My only request is that you keep it clean please.

Let the dating begin!