Playing the Game: Dating After 40

I don't play games.

That is, in dating, it's not my intention. Or is it?

I'm the type of woman who wears her heart on her sleeve. I'm compassionate and kind to most everyone I meet. I've learned that this approach is not good in dating.

I've heard from friends, male and female, that they're searching for a mate who doesn't play games. They're looking for someone who's sincere, honest, trustworthy and direct. At least that's what they say.

In my short time dating and being not only observant but introspective, what goes on across the board is something quite different.

Everyone plays games in dating.

What I've noticed is that dating is a delicate dance and if you have two left feet, you trip over yourself quite often and can't figure out the steps.

It seems that you can't say too much to a new prospective date or too little.

Already, dating in college was a bit of a game but mostly an open field. It was O.K. to show interest in a guy and if he was interested in you, you would both hook up.

But it seems that dating after 40 is a whole other game altogether.

Men seem to be reticent to take the plunge again. Most have been hurt by ex-spouses. And let me tell you ladies, a man who's been hurt by a woman he has not only loved, but dedicated his life to, takes much longer to recover than a woman. That's just the way it goes.

So what is this game anyway?

The game is to show interest but not too much.

At a recent happy hour Meetup, there was a guy who was hitting on me, subtly and not so subtly. He was, however, perfectly harmless and as the night went on, it turns out we actually had a ton in common. But I still paid little attention to him, directing my attention toward others at the table. The next week, he contacted me through the Meetup website to see if I was going to the Friday night event. I answered that I was going Salsa dancing and probably not. But I missed the Salsa lesson and ended up at the event he was attending. He took me around and introduced me to everyone in the Meetup making sure I had people to talk to. At the end of the night, he asked me to dinner before the Saturday Meetup. I agreed, assuring myself that this wouldn't be a date, just two friends having dinner before a group event.

The next day, he texted me to change the restaurant to an up scale place and told me he could pick me up.

I politely declined the ride explaining that I had some things to do before but that I would meet him there. All along I kept repeating to myself, "This is not a date. This is not a date." That became my mantra throughout the night.

At dinner, he was completely polite, charming, intelligent and interesting. In what was supposed to be a quick meal before the Meetup, turned into an almost four hour dinner. I found myself completely absorbed in conversation with him and not wanting the evening to end. When I reached for my purse to split dinner, he insisted on paying.

We dropped off my car at home (yes, I felt comfortable with him knowing where I lived by then) and I drove with him in his fancy convertible to the Meetup. In the car ride there, I felt a transformation from, "This is not a date." to "Oh my God, this is totally a date." And my feeling changed. I thought, "I can totally see myself dating this guy."

A group of us from the Meetup group went dancing and he was totally attentive to me but not overly so. At the end of the night as he was dropping me off, he got out of the car and came to my side. We timidly gave each other a hug and he drove off.

The next day I thanked him for a wonderful dinner and conversation via text. He responded that he too had a great time and that we should do it again soon.

Since then we've seen each other a few times, mostly at Meetup group events, but the fact that I've shown interest in him seemed to have waned his interest in me.

Hence the game.

Tell me guys, is it better for a lady to not show her interest? To keep you guessing? To stay aloof?

So this is where I'm at in the game.

He said he needs to take things slowly, start as friends and see where it goes. I responded that I too needed to take it slowly. I've taken a nonchalant attitude even though I really like him. If he wants to chase, so be it. But I don't particularly like it.

You see the dance of dating is a game but no one really seems to have the rule guide. Everyone I ask has a different set of rules. Does anyone have the rule book for dating after 40? If so, please let me know.